A gorgeous piece. 💗 I feel this so much. I was so shocked that people said horrible things to me about my two Autistic boys. It took years for me to know how to answer. Now I just wish them well and say bye. 🙅🏻♀️ No energy left to give those type of people. Love this post. 🙏🏼
I am not at all the parent I thought I would be. That rule book went out the window within weeks of #1 being born.
Having two more in less than 3 yrs after #1 was born made it even more challenging (#2 and #3 were born January and December the same year). Rather than having to explain why the younger two had rules while the oldest didn’t, we decided to go with the philosophy of, “We’re not raising children; we’re raising adults,” and disciplined the kids accordingly rather than having hard and fast rules.
But I’m so glad we decided not to stop after #1. 2 and 3 swear they weren’t traumatized by the drama that came along with having an autistic brother, but I still feel guilty. I still remember when #3 was 3yo and had a fight with her best friend at school. She was sobbing, and I literally had to peel her off my body because #1 was upstairs banging his head against the bathtub. She says she doesn’t remember, but I’ll never forget.
I’m grateful that I’ve learned to accept #1 for who he is. I’m glad I now believe him when he says he doesn’t want friends. I’m grateful that he’s comfortable telling us when he’s done talking, especially on days he works.
And I’m grateful that #2 and #3 are happy, healthy teens who, even if they don’t remember the rough years, grew up with compassion and insight they might not have developed otherwise.
I also remember the people who, while they didn’t say it in words, were clearly thinking, “Give him to me for a week and I’ll fix him.”
So many times I wanted to say, “No, you wouldn’t. You have a typical child who responds to typical discipline in typical ways. YOU.HAVE.NO.IDEA.”
It took me years to forgive them, finally accepting that they really had no idea. They couldn’t. My child falls on what I would call the mild end of the ASD spectrum, but he definitely fits the Pathological Demand Avoidance autism profile recognized in the UK. It was literally impossible for other parents in our tiny Catholic school to imagine that there could be a child who didn’t give a damn about rewards or consequences. Whose mission in life (at that time) seemed to be proving to the universe that “You’re not the boss of me.” Forgiveness came in realizing how impossible it would be for parents of typical children to accept that that could be true.
And my boy’s oppositionality almost disappeared after he finished school. He has no patience for being made to do things he thinks are pointless. It’s still there under the surface, but he values his job and keeps it in check.
A gorgeous piece. 💗 I feel this so much. I was so shocked that people said horrible things to me about my two Autistic boys. It took years for me to know how to answer. Now I just wish them well and say bye. 🙅🏻♀️ No energy left to give those type of people. Love this post. 🙏🏼
I am not at all the parent I thought I would be. That rule book went out the window within weeks of #1 being born.
Having two more in less than 3 yrs after #1 was born made it even more challenging (#2 and #3 were born January and December the same year). Rather than having to explain why the younger two had rules while the oldest didn’t, we decided to go with the philosophy of, “We’re not raising children; we’re raising adults,” and disciplined the kids accordingly rather than having hard and fast rules.
But I’m so glad we decided not to stop after #1. 2 and 3 swear they weren’t traumatized by the drama that came along with having an autistic brother, but I still feel guilty. I still remember when #3 was 3yo and had a fight with her best friend at school. She was sobbing, and I literally had to peel her off my body because #1 was upstairs banging his head against the bathtub. She says she doesn’t remember, but I’ll never forget.
I’m grateful that I’ve learned to accept #1 for who he is. I’m glad I now believe him when he says he doesn’t want friends. I’m grateful that he’s comfortable telling us when he’s done talking, especially on days he works.
And I’m grateful that #2 and #3 are happy, healthy teens who, even if they don’t remember the rough years, grew up with compassion and insight they might not have developed otherwise.
I also remember the people who, while they didn’t say it in words, were clearly thinking, “Give him to me for a week and I’ll fix him.”
So many times I wanted to say, “No, you wouldn’t. You have a typical child who responds to typical discipline in typical ways. YOU.HAVE.NO.IDEA.”
It took me years to forgive them, finally accepting that they really had no idea. They couldn’t. My child falls on what I would call the mild end of the ASD spectrum, but he definitely fits the Pathological Demand Avoidance autism profile recognized in the UK. It was literally impossible for other parents in our tiny Catholic school to imagine that there could be a child who didn’t give a damn about rewards or consequences. Whose mission in life (at that time) seemed to be proving to the universe that “You’re not the boss of me.” Forgiveness came in realizing how impossible it would be for parents of typical children to accept that that could be true.
And my boy’s oppositionality almost disappeared after he finished school. He has no patience for being made to do things he thinks are pointless. It’s still there under the surface, but he values his job and keeps it in check.
“You think you'll be prepared. That you'll come back with some witty, snappy comment. Only, you probably won't.” This. 😢
You speak for so many of us, Kate. Beautifully written. Thanks.