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Patti Podnar's avatar

I can relate so strongly to this. Not because of weight--my son couldn’t gain weight if he tried-- but because he has the Pathological Demand Avoidance type of autism. He’s 20 now, and while it still pops its ugly head up now and then, he mostly keeps his oppositionality under control. Because he has a job. And those two things don’t go together. (Although I did have to teach him certain things that I knew he wouldn’t intuitively understand, like “If your boss asks, ‘Do you want to come learn how to do X?’, he’s not really asking.”

Back to the point...all the years of mouths hanging open at the way I “let” him talk to me, or the way I “let” him act. All the judgy eyes thinking, “Give him to me for two weeks, and I’ll fix him!” And me thinking, “Do you really think I’d live like this if I had a choice? Do you think this is fun for me?”

NOBODY understood that my son’s sole purpose in life when he was young was to prove to the universe that, “You’re not the boss of me!” And not one person understood that there are few things more terrifying than having a child who doesn’t give a flip about rewards or consequences.

We’re in a good place now. Don’t get me wrong; he’s still autistic. But he has enough self control to “pass” enough to hold down a job.

So I feel you. When people don’t understand that you love your child to pieces and are doing the best you can. And the ignorance of believing that your choices don’t come with some degree of give-and-take.

If it makes you feel any better, once our son was too big to brush his teeth by force, there was nothing on earth that could make him. So last time we went to the dentist, he needed a crown and 15 fillings. We told him he had to pay half. And now he’s become quite diligent about oral hygiene. 😊

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Nanny Theresa's avatar

Cooper is absolutely perfect just the way he is! I love his twinkly smile and his blankets and his blond hair!! You are an amazing mom and please, please don’t let anyone shame you. You’re doing great Kate! Thanks for your inspiration!

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