What if my son never speaks to me?

When your hope runs out.

I stumbled across an old blog post of mine the other day titled, ‘What if my son never speaks to me?’

The words that followed were filled with fear and longing. My son was 5. And my hope had ran out.

Why? Well, someone, a professional, had told me that if my son, a little boy with severe, nonverbal autism, didn’t speak by age four, then game over.

I was crushed. Devastated. Heartbroken.

As I read my fears displayed on my computer screen, I had this urge to hug the old me. To tell me to hang on.

Just hang on mama. Please don’t give up.

A few days ago, my son Cooper and I sat side by side on the couch.

He touched my leg and said ‘SSS-AH-W-ER?’ (Which is his brother’s name.)

I waited and he followed up with ‘SSS-AH-W-ER UP!’

‘Yes’, I said, ‘Sawyer is upstairs.’

He smiled and loudly ‘sssshhhhh’d’ me.

‘Yes, Sawyer is upstairs sleeping.’

And then he growled while throwing his hands up to his face! A big growl like a lion on the show he was watching. He suddenly dropped to all fours and growled again.

‘Do you want to go scare brother awake?’

With two pumps in the air, he shouted a loud ‘yes!’ Giggles followed. Belly laughs deep inside.

He wanted me to stop him. To chase him. He was teasing me. He was being silly and adorable.

I dropped off the couch, to my knees, and engulfed him in the hugest hug. I tickled every part of him and blew huge raspberries into his neck. He laughed uncontrollably, squealing with joy.

He pulled my face down to kiss my cheek and buried his face into my neck.

Yeah, I guess maybe there is a chance he may never talk to me. There is always that possibility. But that professional never told me that we’d have this. This right here.

Hang on parents. Just hang on.

Don’t focus on the things that can’t, won’t or may not happen. Instead, think of the things that will. And can. And may.

Because this world, this beautiful world, isn’t black and white. It’s full of possibility and color.

Love,
Kate

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Many of your found me from this video. I share it every single time I do a presentation. I share it so the people in the audience understand what a caregiver in crisis looks like. I share it so people understand that it is okay to grow from grief. I share it so I remember how far I’ve come.