What Could Have Been...

Hurt heals too.

‘Cooper! Cooper! Seriously, stop throwing that football and get over here!’

I heard her yell.

The mother, I assumed.

I was at Target buying way too many Spiderman themed things for my five-year old’s birthday party.

I had a coffee. I was wandering the aisles taking my time.

I was grabbing dog food when I first heard…’Cooper!’

My ears perked up. As they would when someone yells your child’s name at a store.

I heard her yell it a few more times, her voice going from casual to stern to annoyed pretty quickly.

I could relate. I knew that tone well.

As I made my way to the center aisle, I saw what the noise was all about.

Two very cute boys, one named Cooper, were throwing a football back and forth with another boy.

They were laughing and roughhousing and having a blast. As kids do.

I figured they were brothers when I saw their similarities.

An older and a younger. Both blonde. Both built the same way, one just bigger.

He was maybe 12 or so. The other one could have been Sawyer’s age…10. Maybe a little younger.

I noticed the shaggy haircuts like Justin Bieber. The Under Armour everything.

They were both athletic. And they were both really enjoying what they were doing.

I paused.

I don’t know why. I just did. I couldn’t really move, I guess.

I watched these two boys throw the ball back and forth.

One ducked and dove and ran by the other, scoring an imaginary touch down.

That really set their mom off.

‘Cooper…I swear you put that ball away right now or we are leaving.’

I was frozen just for an instant.

Because for a blink in time, a mere 30 seconds or so…. I saw.

I saw what could have been.

Two brothers playing ball.
Two brothers at a store.
Two brothers laughing and talking and disobeying together.
Two brothers talking.

They were at ease.

I felt the tears build in the corners of my eyes. I didn’t try to hide. I just stood there.

And I remembered.

The excitement of finding out I was pregnant again so soon after Cooper was born.

Then finding out he was boy too.

I imagined best friends. Two little stinkers thick as thieves.

Oh, the fun they were going to have together.

I was so glad that they’d have each other to play with.

I pictured forts and wrestling and two boys hitting baseballs off tees.

The thoughts came at me quickly.

What could have been…

I didn’t plan for autism. Or nonverbal. Or two boys going to different schools or riding different buses.

I planned for what was in front of me in that very moment.

Two boys throwing a football and scoring an imaginary touchdown.

The boys walked on; their game done. They high fived as they moved towards the Halloween costumes.

Their mom shaking her head as she walked by me.

She gave me a smile and I smiled back at her through secret tears.

‘Boys!’ That’s what she said to me.

‘I know it all too, well.’ I responded.

And off I walked, feeling as if I’d been through a huge traumatic life changing event and not just a trip to Target.

I forget sometimes that our life is so different. We’ve settled in. A family of six, each of us playing our parts.

But most importantly, we are happy. We have a beautiful life and I know we are lucky.

But it’s okay to acknowledge what could have been sometimes.

It’s healthy.

I wish someone would have told me years ago, to lean into the moments that sting. That force us out of our comfort zones. That show us a glimmer of what could have been.

Because it helps us heal. It helps us to see and feel and acknowledge.

Of course, it hurts. A lot of the big things do.

But hurt heals too.

I remind myself of that.

Thank you for being here friends. For learning and supporting and helping me through.

Kate

Michigan friends,

Please remember to register for my upcoming presentation and meet and greet on Thursday, November 2 a The Trillium Event Center in Spring Lake, MI.

Tickets can be purchased at The Shoreline Center LLC:
- in person (16925 Ability Way, Grand Haven)
- via phone with a credit card (616-935-7606)
- via mail with a check made out to The Shoreline Center LLC (16925 Ability Way, Grand Haven, Mi 49417)

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