Until you Google It

I read something the other day that really touched something inside of me.

It was on Instagram. And it pertained to relationships.

It said…

‘If you are googling questions about the way your partner treats you…. then it’s bad.”

And it got me thinking. About autism.

If you read my Google search history in the days following Cooper’s birth you may have thought I was a little unhinged. I was truly terrified that something was wrong.

I remember specific key phrases…

Newborn doesn’t sleep.
Newborn won’t stop crying.
Newborn won’t latch.
How to produce more breastmilk.
Colic.
Acid Reflux.
Signs of Post Partum Depression.

I was so desperate for answers. And I was so scared.

As Cooper got older, I started googling in private. I would Google late at night, behind closed doors, etc. I will even admit I have deleted my search history in the past.

I was scared. Scared that by searching I would make it true.

Eventually, every phrase I searched returned autism. There was no more pretending.