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The Hardest Question Will Always Be Why
Learning to feel the hard parts.
The hardest question you will ever ask is why.
You will fixate on it.
You will manically go over it all in your head.
Everything you did or didn’t do during the months that turned into the years that got you to this point.
You will justify and find reasoning that soothes your heart.
But you will always come back to one simple question.
You can be firmly planted, comfortably and happily, in acceptance and still find yourself haunted by the why.
Why my child? Why him? Why does her life have to be harder? Why my family?
For me, it will happen when I least expect it.
It will come out of nowhere.
In the shower, driving in the car, after a 3 AM wake up. Or when I see another child his age laughing, talking or playing and doing the things 12-year-old boys are supposed to do.
Or even sitting at a campground surrounded by families living their best lives. And the differences in yours will scream at you.
I will get bombarded with the whys. And they lead to more whys too. It’s not just one. Almost like a chain of questioning without logic.
Why my child? Why him? Why my son?
What not someone else’s kid?
Why does his life have to be harder?
Why can’t he just be able to talk? And tell me when he’s hurt or sad?
Why does it have to be so hard all of the dang time?
Why does he need a nametag on the first day of seventh grade?
Eventually, down the road, it will be why do some kids improve? And some don’t.
Why are some severe?
Why do some learn to speak and go to school and some don’t?
And on the loneliest nights it will be why are some families chosen for this life, and some aren’t.
Why were we picked?
If you are like me, you are nothing special. You are no different than anyone else. But yet, you were chosen. People will say you are special but you won’t feel that way.
For me, I really feel the whys when I watch other families celebrating with ease.
When I watch children speaking so effortlessly, I wonder why.
When I watch my son beat his face or throw his head into a wall, I wonder why.
When he rips his toenails off or kicks is therapist simply because he can’t communicate, I wonder why?
Why on earth is this happening. And what did I do wrong.
Why does my kid need meds to tolerate being touched or have lights on?
Why does he need therapy to learn how to be in the same room as his brother?
Why can’t we enjoy things as a family?
Why do I have to be the mom who accepts? And finds the joy in the moments that would level any other human?
The mom who sees a challenge and doesn’t run away?
The mom who doesn’t hit the floor sobbing after yet another regression.
The mom who wakes up every single day and thinks, ‘we will try again.’
I want to know.
I want someone, God, a doctor, a therapist, whomever, to tell me why.
I want them to look me in the eye and say this is why your son was chosen. Because it’s not fair. It’s not fair to my son.
I get so angry sometimes. At my lowest points. Sobbing. An internal dialogue running through my brain of why.
Why can’t it just be easy. Just once.
I don’t know, I guess. And I probably never will.
We just do the best that we can with the information that we have. And love our children and allow them to be the people they were meant to be.
It’s not about changing who they are. It’s about creating a world that they can be successful in. It’s building a life around this child.
I am 12 years in. 13 in December. And I find myself questioning why again.
Only this time, I have grown. I have weathered. I have overcome. And I have learned to feel the hard parts.
Because that is when we heal.
Thank you for being here.
-Kate….a bit broken these days. But remember, that’s how the light gets through.
Illinois and Michigan!
I am so excited to come see you, share our story, and do a book signing and meet and greet. Please register below if you are interested in attending. You must grab a ticket to either event to attend.
Author Event with Kate Swenson – Anderson’s Bookshop Naperville, IL, October 6th.
Join Anderson’s Bookshop for an in-person event and signing line with author Kate Swenson, to celebrate the release of Forever Boy, on Friday, October 6th at 7pm CT in our Naperville Store. After, she will take audience questions, have a signing line and take photos with attendees.
This event will be held in our Naperville store location (123 West Jefferson Ave), and pre-registration is required as space is limited.
REGISTER HERE: Author Event with Kate Swenson/Forever Boy | Eventcombo
The Shoreline Center presents Kate Swenson Lecture, Grand Haven, Michigan, November 2nd.
The Shoreline Center presents Kate Swenson!
Kate Swenson will share her story and present for 60 minutes followed by book signings and meet & greet time.
This event will be held at The Trillium Event Center, 17246 Van Wagoner Road, Spring Lake, MI 49456 on Thursday, November 2, 2023, at 7:00 pm.
Purchase tickets by calling The Shoreline Center at (616) 935-7606 or by visiting their website HERE.
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