The Boy in the Middle

The story of him.

“Dear Sawyer,

You are seven and I am writing down the stories I want to share with you when you are a grown man. So, you know about our secret world.

Last night I went to your bedroom to tuck you in, but you weren’t there.

So, I made my way to your older brother Cooper’s room and saw you holding him. It brought tears to my eyes. The protective way you were holding him was beautiful.

He’s been driving you bonkers lately. He has this desire to be near you. He chases you around. He steals your blanket. He knocks down your forts and busts up your Legos.

You may be two years younger, but in so many ways you are the older brother.

You hold his hand in parking lots. Buckle his seatbelt when he needs help.

He loves you kid. He just doesn’t know how to show you yet. But he will someday. I know it.

You don’t understand any of this now, but you will. When you are older.

The questions you have asked me over the years about autism have been heartbreaking and amazing at the same time.

You’ve asked if he’s going to get better. If he will talk someday.

You’ve asked why him. Why he has autism, and you don’t. You’ve even asked if you can have it too.

You’ve asked who will care for him when mommy and daddy are gone.

You’ve asked if you will ever get to be an Uncle.

Your questions are encouraged. We talk about autism in this home. We celebrate differences. We speak out and up. We focus on kindness.

And we give grace during growth.

In kindergarten you drew our family photo without Cooper. I cried buddy. I felt so sad and worried that I was failing.

In second grade, you told your class all about autism and your brother. You hug him in the hallway. You befriend the kids who need more.

I will give you grace as you grow my son.

Today, for the first time in your life, you and your older brother will be eating lunch in the same cafeteria at school.

I’ve worried every possible worry Sawyer. The ‘what-if’s’ rolling through my mind.

I want you to know my worries are not so much about your brother. He will be fine because he has adults who will care for him.

I worry about you. I worry that you will feel the need to be the big brother if Cooper suddenly has a hard time.

I know you will step in. I know you will attempt to talk him through his struggles like mom does.

Holding him. Whispering in his ear. Shielding the stares of your classmates.

Because you are brave. And the best brother ever.

But you are a kid. And I want you to feel no responsibility or pressure.

I’m sitting here patiently waiting for an update from school. While I wait, I have decided to start writing this all down for you. 

I guess when you are older, a man and taller than me, I want you to know how much I appreciate you being the best brother. And that you don’t see any of it as a burden.

This is the story of you first. And how you saved me. How you grew into the most amazing human. And how I knew you would change the world.

But it’s also the story of your brother and our family. 

After I’m gone, I want you to know. Know it all. 

But mostly, it’s a thank you. Thank you, sweet boy, for being with him when I cannot. And being his protector.

Love, mom.”

I wrote this as the opening chapter in a book that I am creating for Sawyer with StoryWorth. I am going to write something every week for him. A memory. A hope. A dream. And give it to him next year.

Storyworth is a web-based service that helps people preserve their personal stories and memories by compiling them into a personalized keepsake hardcover book. And no, you don’t have to be an author! The service sends weekly prompts to inspire stories, which can be kept private or shared with family. This makes it easy for Grandma or grandpa to ‘write’ the book!

To learn more, visit https://www.storyworth.com/findingcoopersvoice. For TODAY ONLY, you can use my link to get $10 off!

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One of the reasons I started blogging ten years ago was because I wanted to find other families like mine. Parents, siblings, other kids like my son.

Then it was to create a safe space for families of children and teens with special needs to come together to laugh, cry, and support each other, both virtually and in-person. Which I believe I have done with my online support group, Coop’s Troops. Click HERE to learn more.

Then as I settled into my son’s diagnosis, it was to support, educate, and connect caregivers, especially those in crisis.

Now today, I want to shatter the stigmas surrounding autism, so that when a parent of a newly diagnosed child googles the word, they see my beautiful boy and feel hope, joy, and possibility.

Thank you for for being here with us at Finding Cooper’s Voice. This is my happy place. I hope it brings you joy as well.

Kate

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You can still get my book in time for Christmas! It would make a great gift for a parent, family member, teacher, or therapist.