Letting Go of the Big Things to Make Room for the Small Things

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Back when my son was diagnosed with autism, what now feels like a lifetime ago, I used to hyper fixate on certain things.

Things I hoped he would do.
Things I was scared would never happen.

Goals.
Dreams.
Fears.

I used to be so scared I’d never get grandchildren. Crazy right? I mean he was 4 years old and I was thinking about being a grandma.

Or his graduation. Would we have one?
Would he ever drive?
Go to prom?
Have a first kiss? Heartbreak?

All I can say is I was human. And I worried. And wondered. Because autism was this mystery to me. An unknown future.

When we learned he was nonspeaking at age 5, or nonverbal, a condition I didn’t understand, I hyper fixated again.

But mostly on the words I dreamed he would say.

And the fear of the words I might never hear.

‘I love you mom.’

Or even ‘good night mom.’

I would study him for hours wondering what he was thinking. Praying that he could learn to communicate. In any way possible.

Cooper is 13 now. An 8th grader. He will be 14 in just a few days.

The diagnosis of autism is not new anymore. We’ve settled into it. Like a place we live. It’s comfortable. A bit restricting at times. But not so surprising. We know what to expect…usually. We have a map of sorts, in our minds and hearts, that gets us around. And he is the tour guide.

And we know getting lost isn’t all that bad sometimes. Because we always find our way back home.

Cooper is my person. And I am his. As if we are connected by a long rope. It stretches farther these days. He can go to school and to grandmas. And I can go to the store and out for coffee.

Because we always come home to each other.

He waits for me when I leave the house. Always on this couch, waiting at the window. So when I pull up, the first thing I see is that blonde head. And then a point. A smile. A wave.

When I open the door to the house he runs to me. Every time. He wraps his arms around me and hugs me as if he hasn’t seen me for weeks.

He does the same thing every morning. He hugs me as if I just returned from some long journey.

Thirteen years in and I don’t worry quite as much about driving a car, graduating from high school, or having grand babies.

And the words I may never hear, the ‘I love you,’ well, the longing has dulled.

Dulled by the hugs and the gasps and the waiting in windows.

The smile he gives me when he sees me after what has felt like an eternity to him. The rope short and tight again.

‘Hi buddy. I love you too.’

I realized something the other day.

I realized that I had to let go of the big things that he may never do to make room for all of the small things that he will do.

And I’ll tell you, the small things, oh my goodness they are wonderful.

The fill the spaces that used to feel so empty.

Thank you all for being here with me. I appreciate you subscribing and being here with me as we navigate the secret world of autism together.

I just scheduled three new in-person events! San Diego, California, Pennsylvania, and Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Finding Joy in the Secret World of Autism - A Presentation for You (VIRTUAL)

WHEN: Sunday, December 8th at 7 pm central time

Sharing our story with people is my most favorite thing to do. But I can only go so many places to do so! If you haven’t seen me present yet, and would like to, please become a paid subscriber (BELOW) to gain access to my presentation, Finding Joy in the Secret World of Autism, on December 8th at 7 pm central.

Join parent and advocate Kate Swenson virtually via Zoom as she reflects back on her family's journey through an autism diagnosis, early intervention, and transition to school services, and the emotional toll these processes can take on a family. In this presentation, she will discuss the transformation she made as not only a parent, but as a person, and the support that parents need from professionals, family members, and those within their community to help their family adjust to this new chapter of life.

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