Some Days, I Want More

+ Zoom Link to a Messy Marriage

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Some days I want more.

Hi there. My name is Kate. I am a mother to four children.

I share that because my life is full. Fuller than full. There is very little quiet. There is never a day without laundry. And I get no less than a hundred hugs a day.

I am an expert in putting band aids on owies, blowing on mac and cheese, and finding blankets before bed. Skills I never knew would be so important and vital to life.

My first born, Cooper, is thirteen. He will be 14 in 53 days. We are counting down.

He wants the same thing we get him every year for presents. Which makes it easy I guess. Brightly colored paper and train movies from eBay. Postcards. VHS tapes about trains. Dora the Explorer DVDs.

He made me a mother. And we have been navigating the uncharted waters of autism together ever since. I don’t know a day of motherhood without autism. Either does he.

I spend much of my time in the ‘in-between’ space. One where we communicate with looks and grunts. Where we dance to music in the living room. And waddle like penguins. And study the sky for airplanes.

One where I hold his hands gently and kiss them when they want to hurt. I know how to give a bear hug to protect his body from hurting itself. I know how to talk him through his hardest moments. And love him fiercely when the world is not kind.

He has given me a world that most will never experience. And for that I am blessed. I get to see the world in a different light. The unbelievable kindness that exists. Cruelty and discrimination too.

He doesn’t speak much. Not with his mouth. And I can say with full transparency that most days, most moments, and most experiences, I am just fine with that.

I wasn’t always. I used to be filled with longing and fear and even a bit of jealousy. But most of that is gone now. Replaced with a feeling of contentment. Like an old married couple rocking in chairs on a porch. Smiling at trains.

I am fiercely proud of him for navigating a world where he doesn’t speak the language. That’s important to know.

I laugh and smile and I do not think about a life with words. I truly don’t.

But yesterday. His dad and I toured a new school for him.

And when we got home, I asked him a few questions.

Did you like your school buddy?
Do you want to try a new one?
And the ones I didn’t ask…
Are you happy?
Would you be sad to leave?
Would you miss anyone?

And a realization, would anyone realize he is gone?

And instead of answering my questions his hands flapped with joy to the music of Blue Mountain Mystery.

He is so happy this boy. I am so thankful for that.

But there are moments where I want more. I need more. Just a glimpse. A shred. An ounce of more. Anything really.

More of him.
More of his day.
More of his world.
A back-and-forth conversation.

Because I am just a spectator too. I walk alongside autism. Sneaking inside when I can. Pulling bits and pieces into my ‘in-between’ space.

I let myself feel the sting for a second. And feel sad and slighted and worried and terrified.

And then I stole a kiss and went back to making dinner.

Some days I want more.

More of him.

And I don’t know if I will ever get it. I truly don’t know.

I think a big part of my journey as his mom is accepting that there may NOT be more.

I am a work in progress.

But good golly I am thankful for what I have too.

Thank you all for being here!

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ANNOUNCEMENT

We got word yesterday that we'll be recording our own audio for Autism Out Loud. EEK! This was my favorite part of Forever Boy!

This is not always a given in the publishing world.

But our story is so personal, I couldn't imagine anyone else reading our words. Each of us, Carrie, Adrian and I, will record our own parts! It’s going to be amazing!

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❤️ Three Upcoming Zooms with me. And Jamie is joining us for one! ❤️

Like many in this community, our monthly Zoom gatherings boost my faith in humanity, as well as my own inner strength. Paid subscribers will find the Zoom details below. If you are a free subscriber and would like to have the full community experience here at Finding Cooper’s Voice, simply upgrade your subscription. For the price of a coffee, you can experience lasting goodness and true connection.

A Messy Marriage

Join me and my husband Jamie for a zoom chat about the messiness that is marriage. This will be his first time joining me for a zoom! He’s nervous. :-)

Incontinence in Older Children

Join me for a chat on incontinence in older children. This topic is one that is near and dear to my heart and has left me feeling hopeless at times. But I have tips and tricks that do help! This will be a great time to hear our story plus ask questions.

Managing Extended Family and Autism

Managing autism with extended family was one of the trickier parts for us. Come chat. This will be a great time to hear our story plus ask questions.

Paid subscribers will find the Zoom details below.